Karen, sometimes it's not all about you.
So the day comes when someone finally says this to me. A lot of things came crashing down at once. It scares me, how I might have come off this way to so many people and never had the humility to realize it, nor anyone willing to tell me.
In all the years I've tried to be humble, tried to be kind, I now look back and realize the majority of this time, I wasn't fooling anyone but myself. As always, it's easier said than done.
People close to me understand that I'm not an easy person to be friends with. But now that I look back, look forward, then look back again, it's not just the close ones who know, but even those far distant, who can tell, who have probably used this as the reason to create the distance. I feel transparent, and so ashamed. That anyone would tell me I have a good heart (if you are reading this, I don't feel the heart at all right now) when this is something that shows so blatantly through that even lying, even facades, can't hide. The whole time I've been trying to cure a temper that refuses to die easy and ease the full-of-it attitude, but I haven't realized how self-centered and unabashedly bratty I've been acting.
Hearts, personalities, attitudes, persons—they don't change easily, sometimes because we're frightened, but it's a fact that I can try harder than this. I'm stronger than I think I am, but I've been using all this energy in all the wrong places, all the wrong ways.
Only I know, only I can admit this to myself, only I can change.
Thank you—for loving me enough to find me and tell me, when I'm lost in myself.
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