#061: Short and Sweet

LJ giveaway! Check it out, if you'd be interested in the prizes :)

http://theloudmouth.livejournal.com/195061.html

#060: The Light

I had a dream last night. About someone. Someone... who makes me very, very happy. But when I woke up, I could no longer remember who it was. I just remember the feeling of waking up, as if walking straight out of sunshine. I remember the minute I opened my eyes... and how my entire body felt so relaxed, so soft, as if I'd slept on clouds.

yet, I've no doubt in my mind that the person I dreamt about was you.

#059: 離開我的心。

stop me from loving you
because we're only going to break each other's hearts
because you
are a dream I cannot control

#058: Shadows

I was flipping through my drawer looking for my photographs when I came across some of my old high school documents. My diploma, my transcripts, even my AP scores. Even after only two months of school, in an environment that's completely immersed me in Chinese, the official English feels so foreign, so distant, to me. Even though my textbooks are written in English and it's present around me, it's not and will never be the same. I'm happy like this, but...

I look back on my life as it's come thus far, and I see an empty road. I don't know how to handle all the memories I feel I want to erase, but I know I will forever hate myself if I do. I cherish the friends I have back in America, but for some reason, I look back on some of the times we shared, and I realize that I will never have those back, no matter how much I would like to.

I'm halfway across the world from home. I'm surrounded by different people, a different culture, enveloped in a different world. But I am happy here, I am content. But I can't erase my past. No one can. I can't, not because I don't want to, but because the past is carved in stone, held in my heart, like I promised I always would, in so many yearbook messages, through tears, through hugs and smiles and laughter.

❤ I will forever cherish the time we had together. Don't forget me, because I know I will never forget you and the impact you've created in my life.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love you guys anymore. Because I miss you. But why did we leave off so many loose ends like this? Why did you let me go, and why did I let you go?

#057: I need more bravery.

I find myself face-to-face with my high school memories whenever pictures of old times pop up in the sidebar of my Facebook feed, or, in this case, looking at Tatsuya's old pictures that he only uploaded recently. In many ways, I miss home. As much as I am reluctant to admit it and label it such, California will forever be my home. I miss the feeling of lots of space. I miss the clean, fresh morning air, no matter the season. I miss the cleanliness, the sanitation. Taiwan is wonderful in so many unique ways, but there are things San Jose gave me I will not find here, at least for another while.

In these pictures are preserved friendships I created throughout my years of high school... and it deeply saddens me that there are several people in these pictures I no longer keep in contact with because of falling outs, or loss of time together and a loss of touch.

It's hard to stomach the fact that I'm across the world in another country. Taiwan already feels like home to me after two months here, because of the people I've met here and the experiences I've just begun. Yet I look back every day and think about all the people, the things, the memories I left behind me. Some days, I cry. Some days, I'm bitter. Some days, I smile. More than anything at this very moment, I want to go home – to California.

#056: Be brave.

That look in your eyes, so brave and strong, so unafraid. Your smile, so distant. Like a poem, you don't have to make sense to be beautiful. Like a comet through the night sky, you shot your way through to my heart, but left it just as quickly as you came. You teach me every day not to be scared. Without consoling me you show me that light is near, that I don't have to stay in the dark forever. Because I know you will never feel the same way as I do.

#055: I see.

So, are we over? I would really appreciate an answer, because a cold war over Facebook (really, there was no better medium to fight over?) is not going to solve anything. I'm not hurting you any more than you're hurting me. If we're over, I'm going to turn right around and walk away. I'm not going to stay around and waste my time. I'm busy enough as it is. And after five years of friendship. Five years, technically seven.

You were there for me when I needed you. Remember how X asked Y to X in front of me? You were the first person by my side to defend me. Remember grad party, when you sat next to X, and you were the first to ask me if it was okay? I really, really appreciate all of those things, and every time you were there, I counted my blessings and learned to love you even more. I tried my best to be there for you when you needed me. But you were so strong, I didn't think you liked to rely on others. But I stood by, hoping one day when you did need the support, I could return all the favors you did for me.

But now I know you are never going to need me to lean on. You never have. And if you ever did, you never asked for it or showed anything, so I never knew. I think I never will.

You are such a different person around different people. Sometimes I don't know you. I don't know if what you say is genuine or not. Who are you? And now, you are even more of a stranger to me. Where did we go wrong?

So, it's time for me to walk away. Time for me to take down the wind chime and put it away in my closet. Time for me to untag Facebook photos and change captions. It's a shame. I'm not going to walk away without regrets, but I am going to walk away all the same. In a year or two we are not going to know each other anymore. I hope you're happy. This is the reason I don't miss home. Too many memories I want to erase. If you read this and you cry, then I am reading over what I wrote and crying too.

#054: 許願。

I need a sign

that you are for real
that you are not going to walk out the door
that I am doing the right thing
when I decide to slow down to walk by your side
that I am not sitting alone in this room
waiting for a shadow in the light

I am waiting and giving up is near

I am begging you to please
prove me wrong

#053: The MacroRoom (Round 2)

I tried. Please forgive the limited mediums; they're a result of limited space! My room is rather tiny. I think I failed again. But I'm not going to lie, I like this batch better than the last one : ) the last picture is for 生科男排 who are 黃金寶寶 forever!! (這個一定不是正確形容詞) though I'm not particularly fond of the way I edited it.

#052: I Wish the Shape of My Heart

to be circular.
a circle has no edges, no sharp corners, to hurt you when you bump into them by accident.
it has no boundaries, and repeats forever in a moon-shaped infinity
Love is a beautiful thing and should be given in large quantities : )
it should never be forgotten, because it doesn't fade with the ages
I hope that no matter where you are in the world, you know that you are LOVED
that somewhere in the darkest part of the night, you are someone's guiding star.

#051: The MacroRoom (Round 1)

So, while in a rather indifferent mood this afternoon, I took a photographic vacation around my room. You will discover that I adore macro! It's the only thing that I can't go wrong with. Sorry these aren't very good... I tried. It's times like these I wish I owned an SLR. This is round one, and it's only a morsel of what I have on my desk/in my area. I'll take more later... when I finish this darn lab report that I was supposed to have completed last night.

#050: May Angels Lead You In

photo | robert ott

I met you in first grade. E-17. You were the naughtiest kid in our entire class, and it made your name infamous. The first person to stand up when we were asked to sit down was you. The first person to yell when we were asked to be quiet was you. Compared to the quiet, serious, elementary-school version of me, I can't deny you were an annoyance at the time.

I had essentially no contact with you throughout middle school and high school years. I hardly, if ever, saw you at school. But because I still remember hearing you walk the stage at graduation, listening to everyone who applauded your appearance as you walked the line, you obviously meant the world to your friends. I feel most for those who loved you, only to have you slip away because of one stupid decision.

The way you died is the way hundreds, if not thousands, of teenagers die every year. No one ever imagines it happening in their midst unless the name on the headline suddenly takes the form of a familiar face. It's a peculiar thing. I would be heartless if I were to blame you for your own death, but that part isn't entirely true. Hopefully, you're making the right decisions wherever you are now.

In short, you meant the world to so many people, people who are patiently waiting for the day they'll meet you again. All the same, rest in peace. See you later, Roshan.

#049: La vie par les étoiles

(1) A guy in my Chinese class told me I didn't look Chinese. Instead, I looked like an African-American + Spanish (?) mix. I told my father. He told me to tell him to shut up, which, coming from 爸爸, meant he was clearly insulted by the fact that anyone would call me that. I was pretty surprised, because I've never received such a description before, but I wasn't offended. Though now that he's added me on Facebook, I've put off approving it.

(2) Speaking of which, I've never had eight friend requests sitting in my inbox before. I think being at NTU is some kind of lucky charm, besides the fact that I don't know these people, and am still debating on whether or not to accept them solely on the basis of mutual friends.

(3) Fact: eighteen people in a dorm room meant for four does not work.

(4) I am faithful with bringing my umbrella everywhere I go. No matter if it's a short walk to the LS building, I almost always have it with me. But the one day I'm late for class and run out without it, it's raining when I step outside. 新生大樓 to 大一女 is essentially 1/2 of the way across campus. By foot, it's a long walk, so I half ran and half walked back, and came home wet. Life has a way of working against me, just like the one night I didn't do my LP, Kerwin checked. One night. I never missed an LP or reading notes check besides that one.

(5) Recently, I've had a lot of trouble with people I don't know. It's nothing stalker-like, but I guess it borders on it. I won't elaborate, but it's been causing me quite some 煩惱 and I just hope the whole thing passes soon—of course I have to tell my father, who is being extremely protective with me, especially because I'm a daughter, I suppose.

(6) Taipei 台北 is gorgeous at night. Take a look for yourself: I took this picture on the rooftop of the LS building when B99 went to the roof on 中秋節.

Until next time~

#048: 椰林大道

I never knew people actually read what I posted... this makes me happy!

Two weeks have passed and I'm slowly getting back into school-mode... when people asked me how I was adjusting to Taiwan life the first week, I said I was doing fine, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I'm doing my best, but it's definitely not easy. Midterms are a good month and a half away, but I'm stressing myself out like I always did when I was little. Over little things, things that really are going to be okay, but that I can't bring myself to face. Schoolwork is the one thing I've been terrible at facing, but I can't (and won't) run from it anymore. I've had good days and bad days, but they do well to balance each other out.

多加油，盡力。

多用心，愛惜。

多微笑，開心。

Learning to live by these three things is a journey—a journey that is worth every footstep, every breath, every smile and tear and laugh.

Arrivederci!

p.s. 志豪 希望可以多幫幫你的英文喔 : ) : )

#047: Teenage Dream

this guy has brilliant covers. I'm officially addicted.

I also think sufficient credit needs to be given to the people producing the background music that makes his voice sound even more amazing. Kurt Schneider, you're wonderful!

#046: The Long Road

I don't want to be frightened. But I am.

我不想害怕。可是為什麼我心裡不安。。。

I haven't felt this uprooted in a long time. How can my feelings take over when I promised myself I would take control of them? I can't do this. I have to stop.

#045: This is for the record.

bonjourtaipei

for everything about school, about life here, about new beginnings. I'm not moving! I'm still going to keep this blog very much alive. I would like to know that I have a complete record of these four years stowed somewhere, though.

#044: New Beginnings

Well, here I am again, back in Taiwan. In short: NTU's great so far, I'm glad I'm getting used to Taiwanese heat, food, people, and environment, + I wish I had more time to take pictures. A small batch for now, another master post for later! I've had a lot to keep me busy lately, but it's been really fun so far.

#043: The Wonder Spot: Venice Lambourne

( © )

❝She was very thin and very tall—five foot ten in flat shoes. She almost always wore flats, one pair until they wore out, and then she'd get another. She didn't have many things—not many clothes or many possessions, either; she believed in owning only perfect things, or, as she said 'one perfect thing.'❞

❝It took her about thirty seconds to get ready. She didn't change her clothes—a robin's-egg-blue boatneck, white capris, and black flats, each a perfect thing—and didn't wear makeup, herself a perfect thing. All she did was wash her face.❞

I enjoy the idea of owning "perfect things"—at least when it comes to clothes. I guess I have Venice tendencies when I go shopping for them, usually talking myself out of buying something because of the little bit of extra lace, or how it's just a bit too short, or how I wish the top fell off my shoulders instead of staying halfway in between. I have impulse buys too, but those are bad and don't happen too often. Fewer things, each "perfect" in a unique way, is a really appealing mentality to me :)

#042: Coping is hard

Is this how high school is going to end and college is going to begin? I've lost two friends in these past few months. Whether or not it's my fault depends on the situation. I've put myself at the feet of one recent one, hoping she'll forgive whatever I did to offend her, and now I'm questioning whether or not doing that was the right thing when I'm also questioning whether the way she's been treating me is right or not. I don't know what's going on with my other friend. We're not okay, but we're not closed to conversation either. After some thinking, I'm not sure we'll ever be close again. Somehow, I don't know if I'm okay with that.

Why do I never KNOW?

These are terrible feelings. I'm leaving my family in a few days to go overseas, and coping with all of this at the same time is so hard. Why do I cry so easily? I should be stronger.

#041: Me + you

Okay. I admit it. I've fallen head over heels in love with Glee. When it first came out, and pretty much everyone and their dog was talking about it, I thought the hype was just hype. So I waited it out, past the finale, when I couldn't have seen more !!!!!! ♥♥♥ SO AMAZING all over my Facebook newsfeed. I just started yesterday, and I confess that it is every bit as good as all the hype it got. It's just an amazing show, with amazing characters who each have a distinctive voice... pun intended!


I love the show for everything, but especially this couple. Will and Emma aren't just a cute couple, they are THE perfect couple. I can't ever get enough of Jayma Mays and her remarkable fashion sense, and Matt Morrison is just ... well, Matt Morrison, with margarine hair, as Sue so eloquently puts it, and that amazing smile.


Heck, they're probably the reason why I plow through episodes, to find scenes where they're together. Wemma/Wilma is just amazing. When Terri was around, I wanted to fling an anvil at my wall every time she opened her mouth. But Emma and Will really belong together... it's a beautiful thing to see them in the show together.

I'm still hopping around the first season, weaning out the Wemma scenes and balancing Kurt, Finn, and Quinn in between. Watching Glee, surprisingly, wasn't just a serenade number with bellowing vocals every episode. It has depth, real character, and for the first few episodes, I was stressed out, watching the characters through their waves of emotional development. I still don't like Rachel very much (you can ask Joyce why), but the others have definitely come a long way, which I applaud! I really love Quinn, and I had waterfalls down my cheeks when her parents threw her out. I like her clothes. In my heart, Finn and Quinn still belong together... I don't really ship any other OTP (except, obviously, Wemma) besides them.

And that's what you missed! on GLEE.

#040: 冰淇淋。

Lately I've been spending time at my cousins' house; which, as a matter of fact, is where I currently am. My uncle recently had heart surgery and needs someone to be in the house to take care of him at all times. Since my aunt and cousin both work weekdays, my mom and I come over to help out.

I usually never abuse my food privileges. I hardly ever mooch and eat sparingly when it's not mine, or when I eat at someone's house. But my aunt told me plain out to help myself to anything I wanted in the fridge, and I remember opening the freezer and seeing five cartons of ice cream just sitting there on their little paper container bottoms, almost teasing me to eat them. Well, why not...

So it's here where I discovered the heavenly blessings bestowed by coffee and java chip ice cream. There was also strawberry sorbet and vanilla bean, but I still like coffee ice cream best. It's really so good! It's my new guilty pleasure.

I've never babysat anyone before, but I assume this "help yourself" business is a routine with people who do so. Hehe, I love food. I try not to eat too much when I can help it, but in general, food is my bliss. I'm trying to moderate what I eat closely nowadays, because not surprisingly, the guilty pleasure food is usually the bad kind. I think counting calories is a waste of time and not effective at all; I only use it for the expression, but eating healthy and exercising regularly is the way to go for me.

I've also been thinking up wild recipes as of late, except my mother is kind of wary of me oven-roasting peaches on top of a granola crust ("isn't granola already baked, anyway?"), so I think I'll do a little more thinking and come up with something less disaster-prone. Chocolate chip cookies, maybe.

#039: 海岸。

You're so beautiful. Don't forget that.
你好美好。絕不要忘了。
vous êtes belle. ne l'oublie pas.

#038: 永遠不簡單。

forever isn't easy, but it's one wish away.

Home is where I've been for five days. In many ways I missed home, but coming back here has helped me resurface a lot of the disgust I have for the culture here. Don't get me wrong, I missed good ol' In-n-Out, but... isn't that how we describe all the culture this place has—food? It's pretty sad, so I still miss the culture I left, too.

Friends leave for college soon, so our group has been planning hangouts like crazy. Lunch with cousins tomorrow, dinner and movie with the girls on Sunday, visiting Leland on Monday, hiking sometime next week, and I think I was supposed to go 1. watch Inception 2. bike riding 3. to San Francisco with Elizabeth sometime soon.

Family has been well. My uncle had heart surgery the last few days we were in Taiwan, but he's doing much better. We went to visit him straight from the airport, but he told us to go home because we hadn't been in two months. My dad's birthday was yesterday (on Taiwan time) and we sent him a video, per usual. My mom's caught a small cold, so I think I'm going to stay home with her this afternoon, though I would really love to go out.

Schoolwork ... heh, heh. Let's not talk about that because I haven't been studying.

How are you? I hope you are well.

#037: 大城市紐約。

I love The New Yorker. The minimalist page design, the arts and culture, the fiction and poetry, even the logo, everything about it is so lovely. Reading it online won't suffice; I need to hold the actual issue, each one, in my hands, before I'm fully satisfied. I would venture as to subscribe to it even though I'm currently in Taiwan, but I can't believe I didn't fall in love with this magazine earlier.

#036: 午休。

I came to work with Dad today and stayed in the library for the entire morning. At noon I went to the café for lunch and I had bacon alfredo linguini, corn and potato chowder, and warm hazelnut milk tea. mmmm, Chinese-style Western food is the best—not too much cream or sugar and gets along wonderfully with my waistline.

#035: 翅膀。

其實談談小戀愛還不錯的。
我覺得喜歡一個人是一件很美好的事情。
要勇敢一點。

— 一頁台北

p.s. 今天校長女兒打電話給我喔。;A;

#034: 照相機！

I used to love my S600 Coolpix. I carry it almost everywhere to this very day, and people used comment on how lovely the pictures turned out, how it could take pictures in the dark of the night and still come through shining bright. Used to.

Not that I don't still love it. It's borne heavy maintenance, the way I handle my belongings, and it's been trustworthy and extremely faithful, been patient when I took pictures of subjects that didn't move or looked boring, trying hard to make them less so. But now that I take glances through Facebook albums, it becomes obvious that most pictures were not taken with such point-and-shoots. And yes, I am jealous. My camera's lost a lot of its gleam, too—the lighting is off in several pictures when they looked fine before I clicked shoot, and the effects aren't as beautiful as they used to be. Could it be my eyes playing tricks, easing out of teenage years and yearning for supersuperficiality, or my camera aging with the passing years?

Whichever it is, I'm not going to do anything right now. In any case, if I plan to purchase an SLR in the future, I would like to buy it with money I earn myself. I have plans for that, as well. Up to this day, I haven't made a single penny on my own, which ... is a good and a bad thing. I talked with my dad about getting a job in my first year of college, but that discussion is another story for another day.

Oh, well. Food for thought. Time for bed, now.

#033: 詩。

Vignettes, like the passing wind, like wishing on a distant star, like holding someone's hand so tight, like the sweetness of 珍珠奶茶, like watching you smile and wanting to stay.

#032: 好友感情絕不死。

It's hard to think back on this without feeling sad that it's all over. Yet, the fact that I did the program again is enough proof that when one happy time ends, another can begin just as easily, and that sadness will indeed return with each passing time.

I wonder what's going on at home. I miss home ... just a teensy bit? My body is here, but I think my heart already went home to Almaden where I grew up all these years. A visit is long overdue, and I want to see you all again.

I've found many new friends here to feel at home, but I'm not with them anymore and I miss them dearly. When I go home, it's time to say goodbye again, then come back and start life new, on my own, in a foreign country, making my way slowly, yet surely (?).

#031: 回說我的愛。

老師 (Helen, Jean, Tammy, Maggie, Brian, Flavia & Sasha) ＋ Kevin,

我真的不太知道要怎麼樣對你們說這些話 我面對你們會羞愧 所以寫在這裡，希望你們有辦法看得到。

首先第一句話應該就是對不起
昨天和今天對你們的態度都很冷酷
其實和 Helen 老師談了之後，發現全部都是誤會

我們昨晚出門去 KTV 到了捷運站 發現你們連看我們一眼都沒有
坐捷運也分開坐，一句對話都沒有

我一直以為你們生我們的氣 或者 根本就不想理我們
整個行程很不開心 也不知道要怎麼和你們聊天甚至於基本的溝通我都不會了
而我是我們四個人中最能夠和你們用中文溝通的人 所以我很 upset
老實說，從第一天我就有這種感覺 我整個晚上很努力的要愉快一點 抬起頭來 打起精神
但最後還是很 frustrated，就放棄

回到學校很不高興 打電話給爸媽不知道怎麼辦 結果哭得好厲害 被 Jean 和 Helen 看到了
我爸爸至此我和老師去談一談 我沒有勇氣面談 所以就給 Helen 老師發 e-mail 跟他講
發現真相 真的沒有什麼大不了

真的要對不起你們 我的感覺實在是太單純 很自私沒為你們著想
你們努力辛苦為我們著想 我卻瞎著看不到
我從小就不是一個平靜好的人 發生這種事 我很容易就哭出來 但過去了也沒什麼

希望以後可以和你們感情好一點
雖然你們談得話題我有可能一點狀況外
還是希望能和你們清熱一點

最後要謝謝你們陪著我們
很感謝你們的關心。

—李雙 Karen

#030: 不高興。

To be truthful, I haven't been very happy these past weeks.

How would you feel...

• when the few people you thought you could trust in a place you're not familiar with act like you're invisible?
• when you become a burden to these people who act like they want nothing to do with you?
• when they take you out because they have no other choice, but don't even bother to look you in the eye and walk at least ten feet in front of you at all times?
• when they see you crying over the phone to your parents because you need to vent, then misjudge the reason for your tears and attempt to comfort you for all the wrong reasons?
• when a whole department of an elementary school relies on your Chinese/English skills in order to communicate with other volunteers who haven't attained the same level, pressuring you to be a know-it-all?
• when your efforts and attempts to do the job correctly start to lose meaning because no one seems to care or notice?
• when you start to wonder why you're doing the job in the first place, when you're getting nothing back from it, not even satisfaction?
• if your feelings are so mixed up and you can't tell right from left?

I've cried twice in the past week and I get up every morning half-energized and not ready. Never ready. I am tired of being ready. I want to stop.