#057: I need more bravery.

I find myself face-to-face with my high school memories whenever pictures of old times pop up in the sidebar of my Facebook feed, or, in this case, looking at Tatsuya's old pictures that he only uploaded recently. In many ways, I miss home. As much as I am reluctant to admit it and label it such, California will forever be my home. I miss the feeling of lots of space. I miss the clean, fresh morning air, no matter the season. I miss the cleanliness, the sanitation. Taiwan is wonderful in so many unique ways, but there are things San Jose gave me I will not find here, at least for another while.

In these pictures are preserved friendships I created throughout my years of high school... and it deeply saddens me that there are several people in these pictures I no longer keep in contact with because of falling outs, or loss of time together and a loss of touch.

It's hard to stomach the fact that I'm across the world in another country. Taiwan already feels like home to me after two months here, because of the people I've met here and the experiences I've just begun. Yet I look back every day and think about all the people, the things, the memories I left behind me. Some days, I cry. Some days, I'm bitter. Some days, I smile. More than anything at this very moment, I want to go home – to California.

#056: Be brave.

That look in your eyes, so brave and strong, so unafraid. Your smile, so distant. Like a poem, you don't have to make sense to be beautiful. Like a comet through the night sky, you shot your way through to my heart, but left it just as quickly as you came. You teach me every day not to be scared. Without consoling me you show me that light is near, that I don't have to stay in the dark forever. Because I know you will never feel the same way as I do.

#055: I see.

So, are we over? I would really appreciate an answer, because a cold war over Facebook (really, there was no better medium to fight over?) is not going to solve anything. I'm not hurting you any more than you're hurting me. If we're over, I'm going to turn right around and walk away. I'm not going to stay around and waste my time. I'm busy enough as it is. And after five years of friendship. Five years, technically seven.

You were there for me when I needed you. Remember how X asked Y to X in front of me? You were the first person by my side to defend me. Remember grad party, when you sat next to X, and you were the first to ask me if it was okay? I really, really appreciate all of those things, and every time you were there, I counted my blessings and learned to love you even more. I tried my best to be there for you when you needed me. But you were so strong, I didn't think you liked to rely on others. But I stood by, hoping one day when you did need the support, I could return all the favors you did for me.

But now I know you are never going to need me to lean on. You never have. And if you ever did, you never asked for it or showed anything, so I never knew. I think I never will.

You are such a different person around different people. Sometimes I don't know you. I don't know if what you say is genuine or not. Who are you? And now, you are even more of a stranger to me. Where did we go wrong?

So, it's time for me to walk away. Time for me to take down the wind chime and put it away in my closet. Time for me to untag Facebook photos and change captions. It's a shame. I'm not going to walk away without regrets, but I am going to walk away all the same. In a year or two we are not going to know each other anymore. I hope you're happy. This is the reason I don't miss home. Too many memories I want to erase. If you read this and you cry, then I am reading over what I wrote and crying too.

#054: 許願。

I need a sign

that you are for real
that you are not going to walk out the door
that I am doing the right thing
when I decide to slow down to walk by your side
that I am not sitting alone in this room
waiting for a shadow in the light

I am waiting and giving up is near

I am begging you to please
prove me wrong

#053: The MacroRoom (Round 2)

I tried. Please forgive the limited mediums; they're a result of limited space! My room is rather tiny. I think I failed again. But I'm not going to lie, I like this batch better than the last one : ) the last picture is for 生科男排 who are 黃金寶寶 forever!! (這個一定不是正確形容詞) though I'm not particularly fond of the way I edited it.

#052: I Wish the Shape of My Heart

to be circular.
a circle has no edges, no sharp corners, to hurt you when you bump into them by accident.
it has no boundaries, and repeats forever in a moon-shaped infinity
Love is a beautiful thing and should be given in large quantities : )
it should never be forgotten, because it doesn't fade with the ages
I hope that no matter where you are in the world, you know that you are LOVED
that somewhere in the darkest part of the night, you are someone's guiding star.