#027: 如果的事。

Movies, television shows, and books alike, they all leave me unsatisfied. When am I going to find my Chandler to his Monica, my Ross to his Rachel, my Haku to his Chihiro, my Howl to his Sophia, my Henry to his Clare, my 葉湘倫 to his 路小雨?

I'm not going to fall off a rooftop with Prince Charming and kiss in the rain, I'm not going to travel back in time to find my soulmate, I'm not going to marry a boy right as I'm about to die of cancer. Things aren't as sweet as they are in the movies. Most of the time, it leaves a cavity and a broken heart.

We're in love with being in love, but when it actually happens, it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be in in the rain or by the baggage claim or in the woods or in the middle of the ocean, for all I care. The fact that it's happening would be enough.

#026: 失望。

You mean little to me, if anything at all. I've probably not spoken more than three sentences to you in my entire life, yet you anger me with your attitude towards your own. Don't get me wrong, your life is your life, and however you choose to live it is your own choice, but I just fail to understand how anyone could have as little ambition, as little direction, as little self-discipline and self-humility as you.

It is painful to see youth without goals, without dreams to shoot for. In my eyes, the situation you're in right now shows you can sink no lower, but you continue to mess up your future, working in the wrong direction and for all the wrong things.

這麼年輕的人，應該有個方向，有個夢想，但你什麼都沒有。你只知吃喝玩樂，但卻不了解學習和學業的價值。看到你這種人，我實在是又失望又生氣。

#025: 單行道。

soulmates

I'm in no hurry, really I'm not. If it takes me ten years from now to find you I can wait. But whenever I meet you in the future, whoever you are and whatever kind of person you are, I hope that I can make you happy and be your best friend, because I would want you to be mine, too.

I've had my fair share of relationships that didn't work out, and I am learning to listen to my head and less to my heart. It's not easy, but I'm sure it's better that way.

I'm sure you're someone really special.

#024: 沒影響了，不用擔心。

I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you

it just keeps getting better

I want to spend the rest of my life

with you by my side

forever and ever

everything that you do,

baby, I'm amazed by you.

#023: 要著想。

Karen, sometimes it's not all about you.

So the day comes when someone finally says this to me. A lot of things came crashing down at once. It scares me, how I might have come off this way to so many people and never had the humility to realize it, nor anyone willing to tell me.

In all the years I've tried to be humble, tried to be kind, I now look back and realize the majority of this time, I wasn't fooling anyone but myself. As always, it's easier said than done.

People close to me understand that I'm not an easy person to be friends with. But now that I look back, look forward, then look back again, it's not just the close ones who know, but even those far distant, who can tell, who have probably used this as the reason to create the distance. I feel transparent, and so ashamed. That anyone would tell me I have a good heart (if you are reading this, I don't feel the heart at all right now) when this is something that shows so blatantly through that even lying, even facades, can't hide. The whole time I've been trying to cure a temper that refuses to die easy and ease the full-of-it attitude, but I haven't realized how self-centered and unabashedly bratty I've been acting.

Hearts, personalities, attitudes, persons—they don't change easily, sometimes because we're frightened, but it's a fact that I can try harder than this. I'm stronger than I think I am, but I've been using all this energy in all the wrong places, all the wrong ways.

Only I know, only I can admit this to myself, only I can change.

Thank you—for loving me enough to find me and tell me, when I'm lost in myself.

#022: 生日好快。

good morning, blogspot. this morning, by Taiwan time, I am eighteen years old. nineteen, if you decide that being in Asia merits using the lunar calendar instead. I've never had blackberries before, but the ones in the photo look so yummy, I wouldn't mind them on a cake or on bread.

Facebook wall posts, surprise mail packages, candles, cake from Victoria's?

today my dad took my brother, my cousin, and me out to get shaved ice at the night market. but it poured so hard that my legs basically took a shower when we were hiding under a deserted overhang, waiting for the lightening and thunder to cease and the rain to diminish in anger. I've never seen it rain so hard in my life.

I haven't yet embraced the concept of adulthood, but it seems awfully scary to be taking such a large step upward (forward), especially because I feel like I'm not ready.

and there's so much left to do before I finally fly away.

this is a very random post / my thinking knows no bounds.

it's rather late here, so it's time for me to go to bed.

goodnight! I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful day today.

#021: 來台。

it's so important to live a simple life

I came to Taiwan two days ago only to realize all the things I had in America that I took for granted, that I no longer have here. my mom warned me about not being able to breathe, feeling boxed in all of the time, being around so many people and things and smells.

Ariel asked me if I'd given any thought to the fun I'd have here ; 來台灣有什麼好玩的。but I am here to study, not to vacation. and that is the biggest difference I need to acknowledge before I begin my life here. not as a tourist, not as "the american girl", not as an outsider, but one of. I cannot be frivolous or want much, because I don't have a lot of space or a lot of living room here. living simple is the key, the secret, to surviving as a 台灣人。

freedom: one of those things you never acknowledge until it's gone

"live simply, so that others may simply live." — Mahatma Gandhi

#020: 想一想。

I hope I know what I'm doing. I hope I never look back one day and want back what I left behind.

For this entire year I have wanted to leave, pushing away good memories when bad ones overshadowed them. I have prayed for months to get into NTU, hoping that this would be my chance to start anew, away from those who I thought no longer loved me. In turn, I shut my eyes and let myself drift away.

But that's not the truth.

Love is like the sea. It changes with every shore it meets.

#019: 計畫。

Looking at an empty street, listening to my own heartbeat.

Hello June. I'm graduating tomorrow, along with all of my friends and classmates. It could be any other day, I don't feel like it at all. I feel empty, like tomorrow's never going to come, like we were meant to stay here with each other forever. I don't want to move forward because I don't know how. I don't want to leave because the future holds no promises.

It's pretty much confirmed at this point that I'll be going to NTU this fall. It's semester system, and I live about an hour away from home, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be dorming. It's a bit frightening that I don't know anyone else going there, but I know I can manage. The classes seem daunting, but GEs hopefully should be no problem.

On the 8th, I leave for Taiwan for two months' vacation. I have yet to start packing, but at least I've started cleaning my room and sorting out laundry. I regret showing such excitement when my parents bought the tickets, because I'm leaving so many of my friends behind so soon. I plan to come home in August, when my admission package arrives, take care of health forms and loose ends, say a few goodbyes, then depart for Taiwan again.

There's so much coming up, I don't know how to say goodbye to high school.