#034: 照相機！

I used to love my S600 Coolpix. I carry it almost everywhere to this very day, and people used comment on how lovely the pictures turned out, how it could take pictures in the dark of the night and still come through shining bright. Used to.

Not that I don't still love it. It's borne heavy maintenance, the way I handle my belongings, and it's been trustworthy and extremely faithful, been patient when I took pictures of subjects that didn't move or looked boring, trying hard to make them less so. But now that I take glances through Facebook albums, it becomes obvious that most pictures were not taken with such point-and-shoots. And yes, I am jealous. My camera's lost a lot of its gleam, too—the lighting is off in several pictures when they looked fine before I clicked shoot, and the effects aren't as beautiful as they used to be. Could it be my eyes playing tricks, easing out of teenage years and yearning for supersuperficiality, or my camera aging with the passing years?

Whichever it is, I'm not going to do anything right now. In any case, if I plan to purchase an SLR in the future, I would like to buy it with money I earn myself. I have plans for that, as well. Up to this day, I haven't made a single penny on my own, which ... is a good and a bad thing. I talked with my dad about getting a job in my first year of college, but that discussion is another story for another day.

Oh, well. Food for thought. Time for bed, now.

#033: 詩。

Vignettes, like the passing wind, like wishing on a distant star, like holding someone's hand so tight, like the sweetness of 珍珠奶茶, like watching you smile and wanting to stay.

#032: 好友感情絕不死。

It's hard to think back on this without feeling sad that it's all over. Yet, the fact that I did the program again is enough proof that when one happy time ends, another can begin just as easily, and that sadness will indeed return with each passing time.

I wonder what's going on at home. I miss home ... just a teensy bit? My body is here, but I think my heart already went home to Almaden where I grew up all these years. A visit is long overdue, and I want to see you all again.

I've found many new friends here to feel at home, but I'm not with them anymore and I miss them dearly. When I go home, it's time to say goodbye again, then come back and start life new, on my own, in a foreign country, making my way slowly, yet surely (?).

#031: 回說我的愛。

老師 (Helen, Jean, Tammy, Maggie, Brian, Flavia & Sasha) ＋ Kevin,

我真的不太知道要怎麼樣對你們說這些話 我面對你們會羞愧 所以寫在這裡，希望你們有辦法看得到。

首先第一句話應該就是對不起
昨天和今天對你們的態度都很冷酷
其實和 Helen 老師談了之後，發現全部都是誤會

我們昨晚出門去 KTV 到了捷運站 發現你們連看我們一眼都沒有
坐捷運也分開坐，一句對話都沒有

我一直以為你們生我們的氣 或者 根本就不想理我們
整個行程很不開心 也不知道要怎麼和你們聊天甚至於基本的溝通我都不會了
而我是我們四個人中最能夠和你們用中文溝通的人 所以我很 upset
老實說，從第一天我就有這種感覺 我整個晚上很努力的要愉快一點 抬起頭來 打起精神
但最後還是很 frustrated，就放棄

回到學校很不高興 打電話給爸媽不知道怎麼辦 結果哭得好厲害 被 Jean 和 Helen 看到了
我爸爸至此我和老師去談一談 我沒有勇氣面談 所以就給 Helen 老師發 e-mail 跟他講
發現真相 真的沒有什麼大不了

真的要對不起你們 我的感覺實在是太單純 很自私沒為你們著想
你們努力辛苦為我們著想 我卻瞎著看不到
我從小就不是一個平靜好的人 發生這種事 我很容易就哭出來 但過去了也沒什麼

希望以後可以和你們感情好一點
雖然你們談得話題我有可能一點狀況外
還是希望能和你們清熱一點

最後要謝謝你們陪著我們
很感謝你們的關心。

—李雙 Karen

#030: 不高興。

To be truthful, I haven't been very happy these past weeks.

How would you feel...

• when the few people you thought you could trust in a place you're not familiar with act like you're invisible?
• when you become a burden to these people who act like they want nothing to do with you?
• when they take you out because they have no other choice, but don't even bother to look you in the eye and walk at least ten feet in front of you at all times?
• when they see you crying over the phone to your parents because you need to vent, then misjudge the reason for your tears and attempt to comfort you for all the wrong reasons?
• when a whole department of an elementary school relies on your Chinese/English skills in order to communicate with other volunteers who haven't attained the same level, pressuring you to be a know-it-all?
• when your efforts and attempts to do the job correctly start to lose meaning because no one seems to care or notice?
• when you start to wonder why you're doing the job in the first place, when you're getting nothing back from it, not even satisfaction?
• if your feelings are so mixed up and you can't tell right from left?

I've cried twice in the past week and I get up every morning half-energized and not ready. Never ready. I am tired of being ready. I want to stop.

#029: 感覺好怪。

Just a little bit of courage is all I need, a morsel of bravery

One of those passing, fleeting, ephemeral feelings—

It's one of those things where you hope but you're not getting anywhere by holding onto it. You sit there and cling tight and fast, but you forget to move forward. It's a kind of drunk love, but how real it is, I can't tell. Here I'm surrounded by people who give me comfort and treat me well, but I feel so alone because I know their generosity is conditional. I feel surrounded by love, yet falsity.

But through it all, you make the former real for me.

#028: 暑假來。

summer 暑假

對我來說這就是我未來的家.

I've been too busy to really sit down and write, plus the fact that there's no wireless at our school and four people share one computer with a rather outdated version of Internet Explorer. We sleep really early here, if you consider midnight early, and are up before 7:00 AM every morning. It's a tiring week with so many children and so many experiences...

I feel like I haven't seen my friends in ages, almost like I'm living in a completely different world. I miss them and wish they were here.